Heavy Hearted

Hey Slices, it has been quite some time since I have blogged.  Sorry.  So straight up I got caught up in some sin and tried justifying it and ignoring the conviction but it was to destructive.  I haven't been in the word until today and I missed it so much.  The lies I was believing were and maybe still are pulling me away from Christ but I am crying out for help.  I am re-understanding repentance and what it really means to walk with the Lord.
Obedience is so important and I haven't been.  I miss my community that I have not been engaged in, I miss the word of God that was sustaining me, and I miss my relationship with my Creator.  I have been refusing to be broken and surrender to God.  I don't want to resist any more.  I don't want to try to do this on my own.
Right now I am bearing more than I can handle and am having trouble handing it over to God.  There is a numbness and a wall that I am hiding behind.  Pray for God to continue leading me on the journey into my heart and give me the strength to work on the parts that hurt and that I do not want to let go of.  Lord I ask you... help me cut the ropes that bind me to this sin and guilt.  Lord give me peace in my decisions to fallow you and the courage to face my fears and struggles.  Lord Im scared and feel alone, come find me!  I don't want to live with sin!I don't want to live away from You.
KD3

My Last night was tight! 11-20-11

     I know there were a lot of people at church last night but it was just for me!  Selfish right? NO!
God and His ultimate power has the ability to make every single one of us feel as if we are the only ones in the room.  He exceeds my comprehension every day.  He ripped open my chest and exposed my heart to perform last minute surgery.  God is the master mechanic and never fails.  We are never outside of His love and View.  I was slipping away and trying to run my own life but it hurts, it sucks, and I failed.
     The tornado I let grow inside of me snuck up by not being in the word, letting my desire for Him to grow weak, and not wanting to be in fellowship.  I lost my fire and passion.  I have entered my desert and my dark place but I am going to seek the Lord my God who waits on me always.  He has opened my eyes to lies I have been believing and places or people I have sought to heal me.  The journey into my heart has just begun to get interesting and with the Spirit leading me, I will find my stoke again.
    I love all of you slices so much and sorry I was weird last night for those of you who could tell.  My head got messed up but its being sorted out.  I thank God so much for every one of you.  I am staring to see just how important this is for us as a community and how much I need you and why the Lord wanted me here with you.  Thank you Slices

Love Richard (KD3)

Where's my motivation?

So something really amazing happened... It snowed! I am very happy and love to snowboard but I also love God and usually do not spend as much time with Him as I do boarding.  This saddens me.
For the past 6 months I have been on a elevator exploring my heart with God floor by floor learning more and more about myself and the Him.  I do not want this to stop but my desire to dig into the word and even do church things has slowed down and all I really see now is snow.  Even school has suffered and I really do not want to do anything but snowboard.
I sacrifice friendships, the Lord, relationships, and education for snowboard.  I do not want to be like this anymore.  My idol seems to be snowboarding and I do not want to let it go.  So I ask for prayer that my desires and priorities remain on the Lord and growing in Him as a disciple.
I really did not want to write this post or anything about God but He had other plans.  I must continue daily reading the word and asking the Spirit to keep taking me on the journey of my heart and reveal to me the dark hidden places that I don't want to let Him work on.  Im Going to call this the "4 Month Struggle."

Richard (KD3)

Over due blog

     Ok, so I have been insanely busy but it is going to calm down for a week before picking back up into light speed.  So last night at work I had an awesome night.  I made more money than I thought I was going to and had a great time.  I did however choose to eat a messed up slice of pizza in the wrong area where I knew I was not supposed to eat, on the clock I might add.  Of course I was caught and knew some sort of punishment was coming.  I was hoping for just a write up but I am suspended and written up.  this write up is my first and final.  I did how ever write an email to both of the managers involved apologizing for my direct disobedience.
    This is a very bad time for me not to be a able to work.  My medical bills for my leg have arrived, my car insurance went up, my truck costs me about a whole lot in gas(but I love my truck), and its snowboard season.  I know so far this is depressing but honestly for some reason I feel okay.  I know I screwed up and I know its going to be a rough week but I am really excited to see what God is going to do with this.
    I am asking anyone who reads this to pray for wisdom and direction for my extra time off.  Also where God wants me and what He wants me to do for school/career.  I personally have no clue.  Lately for the past few months I have felt the tug and pull on my heart to try to go to Biola.  I have had a lot of really neat reaffirmations.  My Grandfather says don't worry God will take care of it.  I have multiple friends there now who say don't worry about the money and just go.  My mom talked to a stranger who was a client of hers and she said to her that I am going to go there.  My mom said she was really emotional and almost in tears.  My name is now in this ladies wallet and she is praying for me.  She also said that her and her husband love to sponsor and donate to kids/students to help them.  Kinda weird and really cool.  If anyone has any words or images that come to mind I would love to here them.  I also do not know what I would want to major in.  To most people I would seem lost but I do not feel lost.  I feel out of control but that is exactly where I want to be.  Anyways this feels like a ramble but now I am going to share a couple things from my devotional that I that was so awesome, inspiring, and jest great!

The Lord guards you.
     the Lord is the shade that
   protects you from the sun.
The sun cannot hurt you durring
    the day,
  and the moon cannot hurt you
    at night.
The Lord will protect you from all
    dangers;
   he will guard your life.
The Lord will guard you as you
    come and go,
   both now and forever.

                         Psalms 121:5-8

The other is this
 I WILL WORSHIP
     "God, you are with me
and you can help me;
   You were with me when I was
taken, and you are with me now.
   You strengthen me.

  The God I serve is everywhere-
in heaven and earth and the sea,
   but he is above them all,
for all live in him:
   All were created by him,
and by him only do they remain.

     I will worship only the true God;
you will I carry in my heart;
No one on earth shall be able to
   separate me from you."
         
                   Quirinus of Siscia

Ooops Fast

      So this weekend I was trying to be spiritual and get closer to God... So I tried fasting for the first time.  Having a few really intense dreams about death and praying what I believe was at demons inspired me to find out what they meant.  Hesitantly I decided might as well fast and ask God what they were about.  The first day was interesting.  Not sure if I was going to continue because I didn't really know what I was doing, I pressed on. The only thing I consumed was beverages.  Typically food is not something that I have to have anyway so I really felt this was going to be easy.  Saturday was done no problem.  Finished the night with some prayer and meditation (really the only time I meditated).  Sunday rears its head and I woke up around 11am, prayed, then started my day again.  Not sure what God had in store for me yet but I was excited!  Time to head to Circles which was awesome as usual but I still hadn't encountered my spiritual-high or God epiphany yet and became a little discouraged.  Time for the epic 9 pm service! Now I am really ready this is where it will happen this is where God will speak to me.
     Alright God spoke to me alright.  He said Richard what are you doing?  Your an idiot.  You come to me reluctantly and doubtingly to give up something that is not even hard for you to receive something "incredible"?  Uh Oh...! Friends God called me out hard.  He showed me exactly where my heart was and how selfish I really am.  He showed me my true intentions and I felt ashamed.
     I did a fast to try to get something from God and He did give me something but it was hard to swallow.  God can take any situation and any motive and turn it around to show us the true desires of our hearts.  For me my heart was selfish and really wanted something great in my time and my way.  The Father showed me just how much I do not know about Him and myself, but He still loves me and I thank Him for what was revealed to me through my selfish attempt at fasting.  I have learned that I want things a certain way and when I don't get my way I get upset.  The Lord let me know I am a jerk sometimes and really put me in check.  I am very appreciative for this lesson and so amazed that even though I failed at why to fast God still taught me something about who I am and who I am going to be be through my poor attempt of fasting! Its not what I can get but what He can show me. Thank you Lord
KD3

Suicide

Hey slices time to get our hands dirty... there has been two suicides this month up in Big Bear ripping Big Bear city up.  We need to pray for that Bear specifically.  Drugs, alcohol abuse, and statutory rape has taken hold of this town.  A friend of mine lives there now and depression seems to be the tone.  I know this may not be an inspirational first post but this is where my heart is at right now so please pray for Bear Mtn.
KD3